by Alex Blaine...
Back Off Scabs!
This is my notice, I'm going
on strike. I pity you poor readers in the Seattle area. Your
two newspapers, while owned seperately, are operated jointly, which means
they're really just two editions of the same rag...and now if one goes
out on strike, you're outta luck...but anyway, back to me.
I demand money, I want fame,
I want groupies, but most of all, I don't want to write another Goddamn
story about the tired assed election recounts. I have had it up to
my balls with all this wrangling, and absolute astonishing crap that's
been pulled in Florida since the so-called election.
You folks in the western
part of this great nation have California to look to when you want a good
laugh. On the right coast, we have California East, otherwise known
as Fla. It even has it's own Hollywood. So who'da thunk this
daffy mildew-flecked corner of the country would have such an important
role in such an important matter. Do ya get the idea that the forefathers
may have been thinking about Floridians when they invented the Electoral
College? What is it going to take until all this bullshit is over?
First off, I am amazed that
political influence can be so easily exposed. A significant portion
of the officials in charge of this entire fiasco appear brazen in their
partisanship. It's business as usual. Of course our man's gonna
win. Heh, heh, what'd you think? We can't let the Governor down,
he promised his brother that he would personally deliver the votes from
Florida, and we aim to keep his promise. I mean, it's not good for
a political career to say no. And of course, add the pressure from
the Secretary of State, who suffers from a huge case of Texas envy.
If you could peek inside her spacious office, you would marvel at her vast
collection of Texas trinkets. And be sure not to ask about her frequent
vacations in the Lone Star State. But, as Java
Mann says, I digress.
I'm obviously reaching when
I even hint at the suggestion that there was some connection between the
heads of the election board being in the sphere of Republican influence,
and the fact that thousands of votes were uncounted, discarded or disqualified...or
that once an innacurate, but officially satisfactory vote was in, that
every effort, legal and questionable, were made to rush the certification.
To Hell with the votes that
for whatever Goddamned reason, were just forgotten about. If you
live in Florida, how do you know your vote actually was counted...how
can anyone in any state be sure now?
The arguments were made that
the votes weren't turned in by the official deadline...so those votes won't
count. It doesn't matter that everyone in that district did everything
right, including exercising their Constitutional Right to Vote. So
what? They're just ballots, mere scraps if trash...throw em out...especially
if they come from heavily Democratic areas.
And what about those idiots
who were too mentally-impaired to push the chad all the way through?
What a bunch of doofuses...they're too stupid to vote, therefore their
votes don't count either...toss them out...let them eat cake. This here
is Amerika, and you will do as you are told. I find it extremely
telling that South Africa, can teach us something about how to hold honest
elections. Their ballots are extremely simple, owing to the fact
that there are several languages spoken there, and there is a large degree
of illiteracy. They feature the name and picture of each candidate,
along with a large box where the voter places any sort of mark. It
doesn't matter if his chad is hanging out of his loincloth, his vote will
be counted...he is encouraged to vote for the candidate of his true choice,
and he will have more say in his government than many of the citizens of
the self-proclaimed most important nation on earth.
How dare anyone whisper that
vivacious Sexytary of State Harris is trying to further her political career
by greasing the rails for her man? I hate to point it out, but the
notariety caused by this fracus will certainly disqualify her from any
cabinet nominations...but I wouldn't rule out a run for Governor, or Queen.
So even though Al Gore talks
like an English teacher on Xanax, he's right when he says every vote must
be counted. Until this election, the very idea that every vote doesn't
count never even ocurred to me. I wonder if this is the way most
election boards act...how many ballots are spoiled and discarded nationwide?
Just how accurate are our elections...are the bigshots in Washington the
same bigshots their contsituants actually voted for? It's impossible
to know. The culture of secrecy and obfuscation is too entrenched.
The only way to cure this
severe disease afflicting American Democracy is to institute standardized
election rules, and build a more open system of accountability. These
election officials in Florida are used to doing their dirtywork behind
closed doors. That's why many of them look so clumsy while trying
to steal this election [not you Ms. Harris, you fox]
They almost suceeded, but
it's just not going to happen now. There are too many security cameras
for them to slip this steak in their pants and slink off into the night.