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Comments by Alex Blaine...Alex Blaine

Back Off Scabs!

This is my notice, I'm going on strike.  I pity you poor readers in the Seattle area.  Your two newspapers, while owned seperately, are operated jointly, which means they're really just two editions of the same rag...and now if one goes out on strike, you're outta luck...but anyway, back to me.  

I demand money, I want fame, I want groupies, but most of all, I don't want to write another Goddamn story about the tired assed election recounts.  I have had it up to my balls with all this wrangling, and absolute astonishing crap that's been pulled in Florida since the so-called election.  

You folks in the western part of this great nation have California to look to when you want a good laugh.  On the right coast, we have California East, otherwise known as Fla.  It even has it's own Hollywood.  So who'da thunk this daffy mildew-flecked corner of the country would have such an important role in such an important matter.  Do ya get the idea that the forefathers may have been thinking about Floridians when they invented the Electoral College?  What is it going to take until all this bullshit is over?  

First off, I am amazed that political influence can be so easily exposed.  A significant portion of the officials in charge of this entire fiasco appear brazen in their partisanship.  It's business as usual.  Of course our man's gonna win. Heh, heh, what'd you think?  We can't let the Governor down, he promised his brother that he would personally deliver the votes from Florida, and we aim to keep his promise.  I mean, it's not good for a political career to say no.  And of course, add the pressure from the Secretary of State, who suffers from a huge case of Texas envy.  If you could peek inside her spacious office, you would marvel at her vast collection of Texas trinkets.  And be sure not to ask about her frequent vacations in the Lone Star State.  But, as Java Mann says, I digress.  

I'm obviously reaching when I even hint at the suggestion that there was some connection between the heads of the election board being in the sphere of Republican influence, and the fact that thousands of votes were uncounted, discarded or disqualified...or that once an innacurate, but officially satisfactory vote was in, that every effort, legal and questionable, were made to rush the certification.  

To Hell with the votes that for whatever Goddamned reason, were just forgotten about.  If you live in Florida, how do you know your vote actually was counted...how can anyone in any state be sure now?  

The arguments were made that the votes weren't turned in by the official deadline...so those votes won't count.  It doesn't matter that everyone in that district did everything right, including exercising their Constitutional Right to Vote.  So what?  They're just ballots, mere scraps if trash...throw em out...especially if they come from heavily Democratic areas.  

And what about those idiots who were too mentally-impaired to push the chad all the way through?  What a bunch of doofuses...they're too stupid to vote, therefore their votes don't count either...toss them out...let them eat cake. This here is Amerika, and you will do as you are told.  I find it extremely telling that South Africa, can teach us something about how to hold honest elections.  Their ballots are extremely simple, owing to the fact that there are several languages spoken there, and there is a large degree of illiteracy.  They feature the name and picture of each candidate, along with a large box where the voter places any sort of mark.  It doesn't matter if his chad is hanging out of his loincloth, his vote will be counted...he is encouraged to vote for the candidate of his true choice, and he will have more say in his government than many of the citizens of the self-proclaimed most important nation on earth.   

How dare anyone whisper that vivacious Sexytary of State Harris is trying to further her political career by greasing the rails for her man?  I hate to point it out, but the notariety caused by this fracus will certainly disqualify her from any cabinet nominations...but I wouldn't rule out a run for Governor, or Queen.  

So even though Al Gore talks like an English teacher on Xanax, he's right when he says every vote must be counted.  Until this election, the very idea that every vote doesn't count never even ocurred to me.  I wonder if this is the way most election boards act...how many ballots are spoiled and discarded nationwide?  Just how accurate are our elections...are the bigshots in Washington the same bigshots their contsituants actually voted for?  It's impossible to know.  The culture of secrecy and obfuscation is too entrenched.  

The only way to cure this severe disease afflicting American Democracy is to institute standardized election rules, and build a more open system of accountability.  These election officials in Florida are used to doing their dirtywork behind closed doors.  That's why many of them look so clumsy while trying to steal this election [not you Ms. Harris, you fox]  

They almost suceeded, but it's just not going to happen now.  There are too many security cameras for them to slip this steak in their pants and slink off into the night.

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