BASEBALL AS A SECOND LANGUAGE

(Scoper)

Ah, baseball. The summer days, the beer, the hot dogs, the peanuts, the beer, the Star Spangled Banner, the lines at the rest rooms, the beer. The umpire shouting: "play ball!" Children shouting: "kill him!" The overpaid players, the corporate endorsements, the 50-dollar autographs. It just doesn't get any more American than this.

And it's unfair that so many of our recent arrivals are denied the enjoyment of this most democratic of all sports, one that welcomes black and white alike (since 1947) and even women (though they've been stuck with softball since the end of WWII.) Sadly, those new to this country are overwhelmed by the perceived complexity of the great game of baseball. In the coming paragraphs, we shall fix this. Really fix it.

Pay attention now. Here's what happens between butt-scratching and tobacco-juice spitting:

Baseball is named after the ball with which it is played. Or maybe the bases. There are four of those, known as first, second, third, but never "fourth." A pitcher throws the ball (which is now called a "pitch") to the batter holding a "bat" at the plate. "Home plate," it's called. It might have been called "4^th base," but no one ever does. Must be a rule.

A pitcher throws the ball (which is now called a "pitch") to the batter holding a "bat" at the plate. "Home plate," it's called. Never call it "4^th base." That would be silly.

If the batter swings and misses, the pitch is a "strike." If he doesn't swing, but should have, the pitch is a "strike." If he doesn't swing and shouldn't have, the ball (that we're now calling a pitch) is called a "ball." With me so far? OK!

Back to strikes. The batter gets three strikes. Well, actually two, because the third strike is an "out." A "foul" is also a strike, unless it would have been a third strike which would have been an "out." Then it's nothing, but can still be called a foul. Four "balls" is a "walk." If the ball hits the batter in the head, that's also a walk, but is more commonly called a "bench-clearing brawl."

Let's review. If the ball is pitched (becoming a pitch,) then hit (becoming a hit,) the batter (now a "runner") can run for his life to first base. That is, unless the ball (the hit, not a foul, but maybe a "fly") is caught by an opposing player. Then the ball/hit/not a foul/fly is an "out." This speeds up the game considerably.

If the batter (runner) makes it to first base, it's a "single." Not as good as a double or a triple, but not bad. Plus the runner may have a chance to "steal" a base or two, even though he leaves them on the field. But he may also be stopped short by the "shortstop," or by a cell-phone call from his agent, if contract negotiations are unresolved.

But if the player/batter/runner/dude makes it all the way to 4^th base (never call it that!) He's scored a "run." That's a whole point! And that's the point I'm trying to make! They do this for 3 hours a game, 162 games a season, and it's fun to watch! Especially if you have enough beer money!

New Americans, I envy you! You have no idea what lies ahead! (By the way if you are a Japanese or Cuban national, please disregard this essay. You already know far more about baseball than most Americans ever will.)