Comments
by Scoper...
Charmed Out of A Hundred Bucks
So, how's your life these days? Boss
giving you dirty looks? Creditors getting testy? Strange dogs making love
to your leg? Depressed over what might have been? Feeling like Al Bundy?
Well, take heart. Better times are ahead, for the low, low price of $99.95
plus shipping and handling. What you need is a "talisman!"
"An object marked with magical
signs and believed to confer on its bearer supernatural powers or protection."
That's how the American Heritage Dictionary defines "talisman." Basically,
it's a "lucky charm," and lately at least one TV shopping channel has been
falling all over itself trying to get you to buy one. Or two, or three.
Hell, buy the whole set.
Here's their "shtick." They bring
out an attractive, dark-haired exotic-looking woman (full, pouty lips are
a must). She has a mystical-sounding name like "Sonora" or some such, and
speaks English with an accent that sounds a bit like Spanish, but isn't
really traceable. Behind her is a set bearing signs of the zodiac, a celestial
motif only slightly more muted than the Sorcerer's Apprentice scene in
"Fantasia."
Now comes the pitch, and this is
what's really shameful. The "talisman lady" is always accompanied by the
show host on duty at the time, and for a full hour they both gush with
praise for this tacky round disc and the metaphysical marvels you'll be
granted simply by touching or wearing it. (After buying it, of course.)
It probably does have the gold content
that they say it does; they could get sued big time for lying about that.
But they can lie about everything else - with such straight faces it amazes
me - and never be touched.
Then there are the "testimonials."
("Let's go to the video, then let's take another phone call.") "I'm so
much happier now with my talisman! My headaches have gone away! My love
life has improved! I got a raise!" This one, from one of the female show
hosts, is hard to top: "I was in a fender-bender 2 weeks ago, and because
of the talisman, I wasn't hurt!" Of course, well-constructed cars, padded
interiors, seat belts and air bags have nothing to do with it. It was the
"power" of the "talisman" that saved her!
When I was a small child, I remember
pulling the covers over my head, hoping they'd protect me from the "bogey
man" who terrorized children in their bedrooms late at night. Sure enough,
I was never attacked or even threatened by any "monsters." By this reasoning,
those covers were quite powerful. Difference is, I outgrew the whole idea
when I was six.
Say, maybe that's when I became "closed-minded!"
The hucksters play that card all the time, to anyone who has the audacity
to suggest that maybe each of is responsible for his own quality of life,
and doesn't need what you're selling, whether it works or not.
I have the same problem with the
"talisman" that I have with the "psychic hotlines," and not because each
enterprise is a flagrant insult to my intelligence, even though they are.
This is going to sound awfully elitist, but so be it. I believe we have
some measure of obligation (call it "morals" if you wish) not to take advantage
of stupid people.
If I didn't feel this way, I'd probably
have devoted this essay to how insidiously clever the marketing technique
is. In one sense, it's almost awe-inspiring. They're separating the ignorant
and desperate from their cash, by effectively telling them they're ignorant
and desperate!
Think about it: here's what they're
really telling you. "Your life is sad, but it's not your fault! Your misfortunes
are caused by forces that you're incapable of understanding, but we will
understand for you. We will fix your life. We will protect you. We have
the power. We will sell it to you. Major credit cards accepted."
There's something to be said for
the power of suggestion. But it cuts both ways. You can convince some people
that their lives are out of control just by telling them, again and again,
that it is. Then you sell them an overpriced gaudy trinket, and they WILL
FEEL BETTER, because you've told them that they will. It's diabolical.
It's brilliant.
It almost makes me ashamed to be
a capitalist.
If there's a single subtext to these
puny words I write here, it's only this: Think for yourself. If you don't,
there's half a world of people who will gladly do your thinking for you,
and most of them are not your friends, care not whether you live or die,
and are interested only in what you can do for them.
And they'll charge you for the privilege.
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