Comments
by Java Mann
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Love
And Drugs
Last week, I read in the
newspaper that a scientist had published a report claiming that obsessive
compulsive behavior is bio-chemically indistinguishable from romantic love.
My initial reaction was to laugh out loud. Having been diagnosed with OCD
(obsessive compulsive disorder) a few years ago I knew this to be true
and was amazed that it took an actual study to prove it. |
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My first real exposure to
OCD occurred about three years ago when a friend who knew me very well,
and who had been through the mental health mill suggested that I might
have a mild disorder. I took her advice in the friendly helpful manner
it was intended, but didn’t give it much more thought. A year later I found
myself in a hospital emergency room. My health had taken a bad turn, my
lower digestive tract had all but shut down, and I felt like I had been
stabbed in the guts.
After five hours of blood
work, examinations and a few other humiliating experiences I won’t detail,
the doctor started asking about things that were going on in my life. A
painful and emotional breakup had preluded my problems. She concluded (correctly)
that my problems were psychosomatic, gave me a script for a mild sleeping
pill and a painkiller and sent me home, referring me to a counsellor.
In counselling, I learned
that I’m (surprisingly) healthy and well adjusted mentally, but when it
comes to emotional relationships my brain chemistry takes a decided turn.
When the right guy (or more correctly, the wrong guy) enters my life I
latch on. I interpret things the way I want to, read into every innocent
word or action and generally turn into a gibbering idiot, madly, passionately
in love. Whether these feelings are reciprocated or not is irrelevant.
I’m not talking Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction here, but
it’s pretty scary, for me anyway.
Lucky for me (and the world
around me) there is a medication that corrects my chemical imbalance. It
allows the cells in my brain to communicate among themselves better. It
allows me to ignore the picky details that would normally drive me nuts,
and focus my energy more productively. However, thanks mostly to an insensitive
employer and callous insurance laws, there was a time I could not get my
medication. The insurance company I had been using moved out of state,
and no alternative was offered. My meds are very expensive.
As I’d lived without them for most of my life, I survived without them
for the past year or so.
Unfortunately, life seems
to work in patterns. Recently a guy entered my life and I found myself
once again doing things I suspect were wrong. An anxiety attack this weekend
drove the point home. Thankfully, I have learned from my mistakes. I’m
back on the pill. I’ve adjusted my thinking, hoping that the potential
for a real relationship with this guy is possible, but allowing for the
fact that it could just be a manifestation of the ol’ chemical imbalance.
If this is real, if it is
meant to be, the pill will not prevent it. If it is not to be, it’s better
that I see it for what it is. Wish me luck.
JM
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