Help!

 

It’s coming down fellas and its coming down hard. I have seen the future and it will be, unless we can get together and take care of it real fast. So what the hell is it? What am I babbling on about? When am I going to get to the point? Can I think of any more questions to ask and draw this out any further? I am sure that I could but I won’t do it..

The problem, men, is that the women are beginning to jump ship on us and oh boy are we fucked. I came across this news accidentally, as one usually does when faced with issues of importance; secret codes for the new missile defense, the true assassins in the Kennedy case, and that Santa is not real. It happened like this:

I was sitting outside on my lunch break, getting a bite to eat and enjoying the fresh sunshine that was so unexpected for this time of year. Heather, a friend of mine, sat down beside me silently and when I looked at her I knew something was wrong.

"Why the sad face, girl?"

"I still have yet to hear from Mickey. I saw him Thursday and haven’t heard anything since then. I left a couple calls so he would know that I had tried to reach him but he never returned them." She was clearly upset about this and so was I. I had met Mickey on a few occasions and didn’t think that he would do something like this. 

"Well maybe something happened and he just hasn’t had the time to call. Maybe you’ll hear from him later." I was trying to be the optimist but I had a feeling it wasn’t working. She left after a few more minutes and I didn’t see her for a few more days. When I did see her she was doing a little better but she still had not gotten a call from him. She heard through the grapevine that he had said that he was going to try and not see her anymore. He didn’t give a reason. I told her how sorry I was and that if she needed anything to let me know. I thought about it for a while, disturbed about his lack of consideration, but eventually forgot about it. He was an asshole. Case closed.

But when I mentioned this to Summer (my girl) later, she told me about friends that had similar problems with men pulling disappearing acts and never being heard from again. I was surprised but then she got me talking and I realized that I had several friends that had done the same thing with women at least once. Hell two or three of them ended all their relationships that way! It was an amazing discovery. A college professor told me once that if something happened twice it could be considered a coincidence but if it happened more than that, then it was the beginning of a pattern of behavior. My eyes were starting to open very wide.

The next day I did some investigation work, hoping that I was wrong and that so many women were not treated this way. I didn’t know what was going on inside of me but I had developed an irrational fear of this new idea. I prayed that it wasn’t true and at the same time scoffed at myself for being so crazy. This was just something that happened every now and then. And even if it wasn’t and it happened all the time, how dangerous could it really be? I mean it wasn’t going to kill me or anything. It was just another disastrous way that men behaved. Nothing new there.

The second more rational voice couldn’t quite calm me, though. It didn’t help that a co-worker told me about how her husband came home from work one day, kissed her and told her he loved her, and then, later that night around midnight, took off while she was still sleeping. Another friend told me about how she had dated a guy a couple of times, why she didn’t know, and that he left her every time without explanation or reason. He would just ignore and avoid her until she got the hint. 

In growing desperation I called a friend of mine back home only to be reminded that her husband had left that same way and didn’t see their little boy until a year later. Even then he didn’t tell her why. He just signed the papers and that was it. Then yet another friend corroborated my findings by letting me know she and her boyfriend of the past four months were through. What happened? You guessed it. He just left without rhyme or reason. I closed the shop up that day with a sad heart. It was no wonder all my women friends told me they didn’t trust men. It all made sense. But what didn’t make sense was the growing fear inside me. Why did this action upset me so much? What had I learned that I wasn’t supposed to know?

I was heading down the sidewalk towards the parking lot when I found out. Around the corner up ahead I heard quiet whispers. It was dark so I couldn’t see who was there but from the sound of it there was more than a couple. I had this gnawing suspicion that they were waiting for me. I slowed down, acting like I had forgotten something, and turned to head back into the building. But when I turned I found dark robed figures coming up hard on me. I fought valiantly but was eventually pulled down, roped, blindfolded, and gagged. 

It was several hours from when I had been abducted before it was made clear as to why I had been taken. The room I was in was full of people, I could tell from the noise, but only one person spoke to me. It was a woman and she wanted to know why I was doing my research into the way women had been dumped by men. She wanted to know why I was so concerned by the way men left without saying a word. I spoke slowly and carefully, believing that any misspoken word might bring down her wrath. I told her how my friend had been hurt and the events that followed and all the stories I had heard and my growing sadness and loss of faith in men. I had never realized that this sort of behavior was so common and apparently so accepted. She listened quietly and after a few more of her questions and my answers I was left alone. 

Later, the woman returned alone. She told me that I was foolish for digging so deep but that I was a special case and so I was going to be let go. She had a job for me though, and then she told me the most incredible horrific tale I have ever heard. She said that she was the leader of a large, and she emphasized large, group of women designed to bring the downfall of how the male race is treated. She explained to me that everyone here was either victim of the game or true friends dedicated to the cause. Since, she said, men so want to avoid emotional situations and thus learn something about them, since they insisted on getting what they wanted and then split, and since they wanted women without all the emotional baggage, well they were going to give it to them. 

Their goal in short was to jump ship and abandon men completely. They wanted to do everything for themselves and let the men fend for themselves. This plan was not for tomorrow or for even the next day but was to be a gradual progression of events. They wanted to so abandon the male race that they would begin to dwindle. But how would they survive? That was a secret I was not allowed to know, only that they had their ways. The surviving males would be round up into cages and used for breeding and pleasure only. Get out, get off, and get back in the cage swine. Bad memories of a Planet of the Apes film came to mind but then the horror set fold. These people were serious!

So what was my part? Oh hell what did they want me to do? The voice then spoke. I was to get out there and try to change this. They really didn’t want to have to go to that extreme but they were not seeing any evidence that they should sway course. I was to use whatever means I had necessary to get the word out and let men know that the end was coming and that it wouldn’t be what they were used to at all. If I could bring them evidence that all men are not like this, and by not all she clearly meant more than one or two, then they would stop their attack and we could try to get some negotiations going. If not well then she hoped that I liked being caged up. 

I protested. Why should I be caged if I couldn’t perform this? Wasn’t I different? Wasn’t that why I was going to be set free? Sorry play again. There is no room for exceptions. If there isn’t a major change of mindsets, well then we all go to the pokey. The job was mine and that was it. Mainly because whether I did it and failed or didn’t do it all, the results for me would be the same.

I awoke the next morning in my bed. I wasn’t sure how I got there because only moments ago I was in a dark room and, I was dreaming! Yes that was it. There was no grand scheme by the United Pissed-Off Women of the World trying to defeat mankind. I was safe. I got up and stretched. I was ecstatic and then I saw it. A note on the TV simply read, "You were not dreaming." 

Some sense of humor they had! So that is what is up men. We are in a lot of trouble and I need help in showing that more of us then not are good decent guys. That we are not going to pull a disappearing act. So please, email me and let me know what is going on. If you are a decent guy let me know, maybe I can print a few examples. If you are a Houdini, well, then let me know too. Maybe if I can get to the bottom of this and show that there is more to it than avoiding emotional ties then we will get a reprieve. I need major help and soon! Because, like I said, I have seen the future and what it will be like. Sometimes, folks, it’s not all good.