Comments
by Xona.
Secret Tapes of Charlton
Heston's Rehab Sessions
The XONA REPORT has recently obtained a secret recording of
Charlton Heston's first day at the Rehab Clinic for DRUNKS that the aging
NRA President recently attended.
Heston : Hello everyone,
I am Charlton Heston and I am a degenerate, old, drunk.
Group: Hello Charles.
Heston: I'm here
because I can no longer control my need for booze to wipe out the thoughts
that constantly resonate within my mind that I am an old has been whose
feet and back hurt, eyes and hearing are gone, and, the girls no longer
look at me with that LOOK, unless I am willing to pay for it.
Group: It's
OK Charles, you are among friends here.
Heston: Thanks, I
really appreciate your kindness, you must be gun loving republicans. Anyway,
I am here today because of a very scary event that took place just a few
days ago. I was home, seducing a bottle of booze and masturbating to videos
of animals and people, especially children, being shot by various types
of fire arms when I got the most powerful urge to shove a shotgun up my
ass and pull the trigger. Now normally, such a thought would just pass
through my sophomoric brain, like all my thoughts do. But this time, because
of the tremendous amount of booze that I had consumed, I was powerless
to repel such an impulse. In my drunken stupor I went to my gun chamber
and selected a powerful double barrel shotgun, coated it with K-Y, dropped
my draws and shoved that beautiful instrument of death and destruction
all the way up my butt and pulled the trigger.
Group: OHHHH GOD.
Heston: Yes!! I pulled
the trigger. Let me tell you, my fellow drunkards, when I heard the trigger
go click, I almost had a heart attack. I was scared to death that I was
about to die. A most terrible feeling encompassed my entire being. However,
in spite of the awful feeling of dread, I also experienced a most intense
erection and feeling of sexual excitement. As a matter of fact, I had the
most powerful orgasm of my life. I must have shot a pint of good right-wing
republican sperm about twelve feet across the room. The thought of blowing
my ass into my brains was just too much, I suppose. Anyway, I quickly realized
that, thank GOD, the gun was empty and I was not in heaven, but still in
my home, which was now plastered with my spent essence.
Group: WOW!!!!
Heston: Yes. I realized
that the next time the gun might not be empty. So I am here today, because
I need your help to keep me from self-destruction. I just keep feeling
that gun up my butt, nice and tight, and the sound of the trigger going
click, and my usually inoperative pecker feeling like a fifteen year old
in a cheerleaders locker room. I am getting very strong urges to do it
again. I need help....
END OF PART ONE. In the next installment, NRA President, Charton
Heston, tells the goup what it is like to shoot a deer and have sex with
it while its still alive.
Xona
XONA REPORT---We Report, you Puke
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>next
week: More Drunken Antics!
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